HEMORRHOIDS

The arcade game nobody asked for.

It all started with a rather unpleasant discovery.

One day, after what I considered a particularly successful and strenuous poo session, I noticed that my backside was feeling a little sore.

Then I discovered something that definitely shouldn’t have been there.

A strange, alien-like blob.

At that point I had to do what every dignified gentleman wants to do in such circumstances — ask my doctor to have a look at my arse.

She had already worked out what it was from my description, but I thought it was probably best to make absolutely sure.

So there I was, leaning over, pulling my cheeks apart and presenting my backside for inspection, while trying very hard to maintain some semblance of dignity.

Let’s just say it wasn’t my finest moment.

Thankfully, she confirmed the diagnosis and prescribed me some apparently miraculous cream.

Over the next few days, the offending little alien slowly shrank until it disappeared.

And that’s when the idea struck me…

What if hemorrhoids worked like Asteroids?

So the spaceship became a tube of miracle cream.

The asteroids became horrible little blobs.

And instead of shooting them into smaller pieces, the cream gradually shrinks them until they disappear.

And thus Hemorrhoids was born.

The controls are deliberately based on the classic arcade mechanics: rotate, thrust, wrap around the screen and fire.

But there’s one important difference…

Your cream isn’t unlimited.

Use it wisely, because once you’ve run out, you’re rather stuffed.

Lose a life and thankfully you get a fresh tube.

The waves gradually get faster, the blobs get more troublesome, and Gramepa’s dignity becomes increasingly difficult to maintain.

Your mission is simple:

HELP GRAMEPA BEAT HIS HEMORRHOIDS

And while you’re at it…

BEAT GRAMEPA’S SCORE: 48,600

If you manage it, take a screenshot and send it to us.

Yes, we realise screenshots can be manipulated.

We’re choosing to trust you.

Probably foolishly.